When my editor suggested I review the AM General HMMWV (that’s High Mobility Multipurpose Wheeled Vehicle for you civilians) as a potential family car, I thought he’d finally lost it. But hey, who am I to turn down the chance to play G.I. Joe for a week? So, I strapped on my metaphorical combat boots and set out to see if this military beast could handle the war zone that is suburban family life.
First impressions? This thing is MASSIVE. Pulling up to school for drop-off, I felt like I was commanding a small tank division. The other parents in their minivans and crossovers looked on with a mix of awe and terror. My kids? They were over the moon. Suddenly, dad was the coolest guy in the carpool lane.
Getting in and out of the Humvee is an adventure in itself. It’s less like entering a car and more like scaling a small mountain. I seriously considered installing a rappelling system for my shorter passengers. Once inside, though, you’re met with… well, not much. Luxury this ain’t. The interior is sparse, utilitarian, and about as comfortable as a park bench. But hey, who needs heated seats when you’ve got armor plating, right?
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On the road, the HMMWV drives exactly how you’d expect a 5,900-pound military vehicle to drive – like a brick on wheels. The steering has all the precision of a drunk elephant, and the acceleration could generously be described as “leisurely.” But when you’re sitting this high up, somehow none of that matters. You feel invincible, like you could plow through anything. Which, let’s be honest, you probably could.
Fuel economy? Let’s just say if you’re worried about gas prices, this isn’t the vehicle for you. This beast guzzles fuel like a frat boy at an open bar. I swear I could see the fuel gauge dropping in real-time.
But it’s not all bad. Need to do a Costco run? The Humvee’s got enough cargo space to stock up for the apocalypse. Worried about that jerk who keeps stealing your parking spot? Not anymore! Just park this bad boy wherever you want – no one’s going to argue with you.
The kids loved it, of course. Every trip became an adventure. “Are we invading the mall, Dad?” my son would ask excitedly. My daughter insisted on wearing camo face paint to ballet class. I think they were a bit disappointed when we didn’t have to ford any rivers on the way to soccer practice.
My wife, on the other hand, was less enthused. “It’s practical,” I argued. “Think of it as a really, really sturdy car seat!” She was not convinced. The final straw came when I couldn’t fit the Humvee through the drive-thru at her favorite coffee shop. Hell hath no fury like a woman denied her morning latte.
So, can a military-spec Humvee work as a family car? In short: no. Not unless your daily commute involves dodging IEDs or you’re really, really worried about the carpool lane turning into a war zone.
But man, was it fun trying. For one glorious week, I wasn’t just a dad – I was Commando Dad, striker of fear into the hearts of soccer moms everywhere. I may go back to my sensible sedan, but a part of me will always miss the days when I ruled the suburbs from my rolling fortress.
Just don’t tell my wife, but I’m already planning our next family vacation. I hear you can rent tanks these days…
